It was not often Gazza had visitors. after all, who'd want to visit a convicted rapest?
Well onviously someone did, someone in a buisness suit.
Gazza stared at the man. The man stared a Gazza. Gazza squirmed uncomfortable in the interogation room chair. The buisness man shoved a suitcase over the cold hard table. It scratches as it slid.The suitcase stopped just before going off the table. Gazza slouched back in his chair
"You FBI or something?" He practically spat the words out. The buisness man smiled. Well, it wasn't a smile. His teeth just became more visible. Gazza shivered.
Suddenly the man started laughing. Gazza joined in. the laughing stopped. The man slammed his hand on the table.
"ENOUGH!" He roared right it Gazza's fave. He sighed, screaming, i can deal with that, it's just the silence that creeps me out. The man straightened up his tie.
"I am not from you're 'FBI'. I come from something far greater than that" He smiled, bearing his teeth, just as a rotweiler does when it sees a kitten thought gazza. His adam's apple bobbed nervously
"C.I.A.?" He muttered weakly!
SLAM!
"ENOUGH I SAID!!!" Spit flew into gazza's face.
"Take a chill pill dude"
"I do not need you're chilling tablets and i am not this dude. my name..." he said leening in close "loki, and i," He walked round the table, his black boots clacking against the floor, "Am you're worst nightmare".....







Devious Comments
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4th scholar of retardo (recruiter)
:iconsk3nv0y:-3rd scholar of retardo(War writer)
:iconjackflint:-1st scholar of retardo (rap and poems)
:iconcaptaincabbage:-second scholar of retardo (comedy and serious)
The scholars of Retardo:Master comedy writer
Spelling mistake: Rapist not rapest.
'He roared right it Gazza's fave'
What is that? is it 'He roared right in Gazza's face' ?
Near the end you start losing the capitalisation of names.
Other things like that.
It has good points, and it would be better if you filled it out more. Describe the room, the prison, loki, and Gazza himself. It moves too quickly. Also in some ways the characters are fairly stereotypical and the scene over dramatised.
It has it's good points.
Hope that the critique was not too critical...
It wasn't
thank you
it's late so i'll change i tommorow
thanks
i really wrote it because i needed to get back into a writing mode
but thanks for all the advice and critique
it is MUCH apreciated
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4th scholar of retardo (recruiter)
:iconsk3nv0y:-3rd scholar of retardo(War writer)
:iconjackflint:-1st scholar of retardo (rap and poems)
:iconcaptaincabbage:-second scholar of retardo (comedy and serious)
The scholars of Retardo:Master comedy writer
I actually wrote a story myself taking place on Mon Gaza. About Boba Fett... Might wanna check it out if you haven't.
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We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. --- Oscar Wilde
Avatar courtesy of ryfusd [link]
Third honorary scholar of retardo, and proud of it!
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WOO! I love this game! [link] Check it out, it's tons of fun
My record [link] (okay, now go play the game)
now i only noticed one spelling mistake
onviously - obviously
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Im one of those people who hate it when other people walk slow infront of me, so in return i walk slow infront of others
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im not different, im just ubnormal
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Second hounary scholar of Retardo
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Do you want some free anal porn?
Smile...it confuses people (if those people are retards). Smiling is actually supposed to communicate you're feeling happy. lolololololo
BURN!
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4th scholar of retardo (recruiter)
:iconsk3nv0y:-3rd scholar of retardo(War writer)
:iconjackflint:-1st scholar of retardo (rap and poems)
:iconcaptaincabbage:-second scholar of retardo (comedy and serious)
The scholars of Retardo:Master comedy writer
thanks
it wasn't that great but i'll touch it up and finish it on satday (tommory)
thanks again
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4th scholar of retardo (recruiter)
:iconsk3nv0y:-3rd scholar of retardo(War writer)
:iconjackflint:-1st scholar of retardo (rap and poems)
:iconcaptaincabbage:-second scholar of retardo (comedy and serious)
The scholars of Retardo:Master comedy writer
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